The following are just stupid thoughts I have written down, some are supposed to be funny and some are just supposed to invoke thought. If you are easily offended, I suggest you stop reading this now. If you have absolutely no sense of humor stop reading this now and stick your head in the oven, but don't turn on the gas that would just be stupid.
Money is like a bowl of hot soup; if you don’t blow it, you can’t enjoy it right away.
Some get old and die while looking for the deeper meaning.
If you are not part of the solution, your kinda’ like most everybody really.
If I could do it all over, knowing what I know now, I would have never tried to light a fart!
Belief is like a hospital where people go when they are sick of thinking.
I got half a mind to …uh …umm to …uh what?
Cows have special powers; they can turn a bale of hay into a steaming pile of fertilizer and make milk while warming the planet! What the hell have you dung lately?
If it really takes one to know one, then you could only really know one, and that one is you!
It’s a good thing I got married, I would have never known what a fuck up I am.
Sometimes when I think real hard, I get a sharp pain in my head, so I don't do that much.
I have only one real complaint in life and that is; that some people are way too fragile!
Looking for an honest politician is like diving for chipmunks.
Believing in god makes you moral like; eating bologna sandwiches makes you left handed.
Dogs know how fucked up you are, cats know too, but they are not amused!
If I had a penny for every time I heard someone say “if I had a penny” ...well I guess I'd have a bunch of pennies then wouldn't I?
Income tax is proof that you can enslave a nation, without their consent, and they will be only too happy to let you do it!
If “whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” how would we even know that?
If the religious are good for god, does that means the rest of us are good for nothing?
What does a “crock of shit” sound like? ...and why am I the only one who doesn't know?
If you try to keep an open mind, don't be surprised by what pops in!
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another drink (make it a double).
I’ve been hoping someone would steal my identity, so I can have all my bills forwarded.
If your problem solving skills include “killin' sump'n”, you might be a dumb ass!
My life is like a high speed chase, I know it’s going to end in a horrific crash, but I’m afraid to pull over!
It may take a village to raise a child, but it only takes one child to raise a ruckus.
God had himself tortured and crucified to stop himself from sending me to hell! I don’t want to sound ungrateful but, what the fuck man? It just seems like there may have been an easier way!
I never judge people on the way they look. I may cringe and look away, but that's more of a gut reaction than a judgment.
I think my goldfish is depressed, I have to check the water levels every day to make sure he hasn't been crying.
When I was younger, I barely stood for anything, now I can barely stand anybody and some days, I can barely stand at all.
I wonder if anyone who died in the electric chair ever dreamed of being a great conductor.
If people think that they will be punished for all eternity for being evil, that’s a good thing. If they think they can be forgiven at the 11th hour, that’s a bad thing.
If you let someone treat you like they own you, they do.
According to the most recent surveys; most people don’t read the most recent surveys.
I was sad when I had no shoes until; I meet a man with no clue.
If I could only read one book; it would have to be a book about blankets, because that would pretty much cover everything.
Sometimes I wonder if man has I higher purpose, then I order pizza.
People should be proud of their bodies, unless they have more than one.
I know I’m not contagious, because most people don’t get me.
If people are in such a hurry, why do they waste so much time blowing their horns at me?
You should always try not to be too cavalier about fighting on horseback.
If we could just let our children come up with their own imaginary friends, the world would be a better place to live.